


Agents of the Smials

by lirin



Category: Get Smart (1965), The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, B2MEM 2019, Crack Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 05:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17995427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lirin/pseuds/lirin
Summary: The old "hole up in the Smials, kill anyone who gets too close, and send out a few spies to see what Sharkey's up to" trick. A cracky Get Smart fusion.





	Agents of the Smials

**Author's Note:**

> For I20 (...with a sitcom or comedy) on the "Crossover 1" bingo card.

Dodging toddler cousins and sleepy well-fed uncles, Pimpernel Took hurried through the tunnels of the Great Smials. Her father had asked her to come to his office right after lunch, and from the serious look in his eye she suspected it was on Thain business, not doting-on-his-daughter business. Not that he'd had any time for the latter in a while, with all the worries about ruffians in the Shire and all.

Her third cousin Everard was sitting on the bench by the office door. He grinned as she bustled up, and the family resemblance was such that for a second she was reminded of her brother Pippin. She hoped Pippin was all right, wherever he was. At least he had a modicum of sense more than Everard (at least she hoped so). She wasn't sure if Everard ever thought about much more than his next meal—and maybe the newest variations on springle-ring dancing.

"Ah, you're both here, good!" said her father, opening the office door. "Come in, please." He waited until they were both seated on a couple of hassocks, then continued. "As you are both aware, the Smials have not had a single incursion from these ruffians that have overtaken the Shire, and we have even killed a few of them who trespassed on our lands. On the home front, this war is going beautifully. But the one thing we don't have is information on what's going on outside. Everard has volunteered to go out and spy on the ruffians. Pimpernel, I want you to accompany him."

It had been too long since Pimpernel had seen the sky. She would have even volunteered to go on her own if that had been what it would take to get out of this overcrowded place, but it would be good to have someone else along. She just hoped Everard had more sense that she'd always taken him to have. "I'll go," she said.

"Good," her father replied. "You leave at once. Be careful. Out there, you'll be in extreme danger of capture and death at the hand of those miscreants."

"And loving it," Everard assured him.

* * *

There was a small tunnel at the far end of the Smials by the third kitchens, that the Thain thought would have gone undiscovered by the ruffians. Pulling their cloaks tightly about their shoulders, Pimpernel and Everard sallied forth.

Their task was to get as close as they could to Bag End (where Lotho was currently dwelling and calling himself 'Chief Shirriff'), deliver a message to one of their Brandybuck cousins who lived near Bagshot Row, and do their best to determine what Lotho and Sharkey were doing. If they could do anything to cause them problems, even better, but the Thain had adjured them not to risk their safety unnecessarily.

The hills of Hobbiton, once green and flourishing, were drab and dark. Quite a few trees seemed to be missing, or at least Pimpernel thought that there had been a few more trees around last time she was around here. "Wow!" Everard whispered. "That's the second-biggest mill I've ever seen!"

"Too big for the Shire's needs," Pimpernel muttered. "Come on, let's see if we can get closer."

They crept along the base of the hill, towards Bag End, which still had a few trees surrounding it. There were Men about, they saw as they drew closer. "Do you think they'll spot us?" Pimpernel whispered.

"Unlikely," Everard muttered back. "We're much too clever for that." There was a loud rustling sound from behind them. "Oh, don't tell me they managed to sneak up on us from behind!"

Pimpernel looked over her shoulder. "Looks like they managed to sneak up on us from behind."

Everard shook his head angrily. "I _asked_  you not to tell me that!" The Men drew closer, and two had bows aimed threateningly in their direction. With a sigh, Pimpernel stood up and held her hands up in surrender. Everard followed suit. "The old 'sneak up on the good guys from behind' trick," he muttered. "I can't believe we fell for that!"

"What do you want from us?" Pimpernel asked, quailing away from their captors.

"We'll let Sharkey deal with you," one of them said. Nobody else said anything as the Men marched Pimpernel and Everard up the hill and along the ridge, until they were almost at Bag End and the few remaining trees.

There were more Men there, with axes and saws, in the middle of cutting down another poor defenseless tree. Pimpernel nearly teared up, but then she remembered their duty. Perhaps she would be able to get information out of this Sharkey, and at very least she would be able to show him that hobbits were much braver than he.

A tall Man in a dirty cloak was overseeing the proceedings, with another Man crawling at his heels. "Spying hobbits," he observed gravely. "From Tookland, by the looks of you."

"Yes, Sharkey," Everard said, "even you can't keep Tooks pent up when we don't want to be."

"We'll keep an even tighter guard on Tookland in the future," Sharkey assured him.

"Yes, you won't get out even if you grow wings like eagles!" said the Man at his heels. He flapped his elbows. "Fwoosh, fwoosh!"

Sharkey kicked him. "They live in underground hobbit holes. They can't fwoosh, fwoosh here." He flapped his elbows too, to demonstrate the flying that they wouldn't be able to do.

Pimpernel wasn't sure what to do next, but Everard was still full of ideas. "You won't be guarding Tookland if you're dead. We have you surrounded!" Pimpernel hoped they would be convinced. Everard's tone almost convinced her. Did they have reinforcements that she didn't know about?

"That's pretty hard to believe," Sharkey said. "I think I would noticed if there were enough hobbits milling about to be able to surround us."

"Would you believe half a dozen crack archers?" Everard asked.

Sharkey shook his head.

"What about a yappy farm dog?"

Sharkey didn't respond. "Take them away and lock them up," he told one of his Men, and turned back to the half-cut tree.

"Pimpernel, run!" Everard yelled. He darted straight for the tree, and pushed it with all of his strength. The tree groaned and creaked, then began to fall. Pimpernel and Everard ran.

They turned back for a moment as they crested the ridge of the hill. Some of the Men had been underneath the tree as it fell, but Sharkey had scarcely been brushed by the branches. "Missed him by that much," Everard muttered.

"Let's get out of here before they recover from their surprise and come after us," Pimpernel said. She tugged at his hand, and together they ran across the countryside.

* * *

 

Thain Paladin was waiting anxiously right inside the secret tunnel entrance when they returned. "You're safe," he said, and hugged Pimpernel tight. "Everard, welcome back," he said, clapping Everard on the shoulder. He led them down the tunnel back into the depths of the Smials.

"They're tearing down all the trees around Bag End, and they've built a bigger mill," Pimpernel reported. "We saw Sharkey overseeing the tree cutters." She decided to omit the part where they'd been captured; they'd escaped, so why worry him?

"Did you deliver my message?"

"I _knew_  we forgot something!" Everard said. They were passing the entrance to the third kitchens; Everard stopped for a moment and grabbed an apple from the basket by the door. He sighed, and took a bite. Through the crunching, he added: "Sorry about that, Thain."


End file.
